Shatter
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Poem. AU. Yesterday I died.


_For NewMoonFlicker, who understands the deeper meaning of the word 'shatter'._

Why can I not touch you?  
Why will my lips not move?  
What happened to my heart  
Beating fast and furious in my chest?  
Why am I not cold?  
How am I still alive?  
Questions cloud my  
Mind and soul like a  
Fog of thoughts and emotions  
I'm so confused  
And I feel so alone  
But that doesn't make sense, because  
There you are  
Right there  
So why are you so far away?  
Why can I not touch you?  
How can you be so distant  
And yet so near?  
I think I know  
It's because of me  
Me  
What a concept  
How can I be me  
When there is no me to be?  
How can I exist  
When I cannot be seen?  
No instruments can detect me  
No matter how keen they are  
All they'll see is nothing  
Nothing nothing nothing  
That's me  
Sometimes I wonder whether  
Living is truly real  
Sometimes I think I've  
Imagined my life before this existence  
Imagined  
Or maybe those 'memories' were thrust upon me  
Like reluctant afterthoughts  
Didn't he know they'd only confuse me  
More than ever?  
But no  
He was kind to give me these memories  
(If give them he did)  
For without memories, what would I be?  
Empty empty empty  
But isn't that what I am?  
Look for yourself!  
Feel inside my chest  
Do you feel my heart beating?  
Am I warm to the touch?  
No, of course not  
Because I'm not real  
And I never  
Was me  
Such thoughts would make anyone else  
Cry, but I am not anyone  
And I cannot cry  
Sometimes I wonder  
What it feels like to cry, and whether  
That would make me real  
I think these things in the  
Unaccusing darkness of night  
But when the sun rises  
There I am, and I exist  
And I'm me  
No doubts, because look!  
There's my brother  
And he's smiling at me  
And how could he smile at me if I was not real?  
I think I'm alive  
I think I think I think  
But does that make me be?  
I'm not so sure  
Because every  
Dreaded passing of the sun  
Brings more and more confusion  
And I feel desperate once again  
I am indistinct like  
Vapor  
And gas is the most permeable state of matter  
So that is how I can be molded  
Into any shape he wants  
He needs my support, so that is what I give  
So what am I?  
These questions circle  
Around my head all night  
Till the sun rises yet again  
And I am sane once more  
Al Al Al  
That's always what he says  
It's what he calls me, so is that  
The truth of what I am?  
Sometimes, I pretend that I have  
An identity  
That I am someone  
Rather than an undefined entity no one sane could call human  
And unless I forget  
I can keep up the pretense till I believe it myself  
That is, until someone comes along  
And shatters me  
Sometimes it's cruelty  
Or simple innocence  
But most often it's me  
Smashing my own nonexistent heart to pieces  
As I remember that I am nothing  
Because I cannot forget myself  
Sometimes I go to him  
And ask him, "Am I real?"  
He always says I am, and that makes me  
Happy happy happy  
It gives me hope  
Wrapped up like a birthday present  
That he hands me with a smile  
But that only makes me want to be real all the more  
So that I can smile too  
I think I know the  
Secret to my existence  
It's faith  
Faith in my brother  
That he will win  
That he will give me a body  
That he will make me real  
Like the Blue Fairy  
Who turned Pinnochio into a real boy  
And I don't think that's too hard  
As long as I believe in him  
I can hope that one day, I will be real  
But tonight that hope  
Lies in pieces on the ground  
Shards of life lying like bits of  
Stained-glass windows ironically on the floor  
Instead of the wall  
It's so colorful  
The black, and yellow, and red  
I might even say pretty  
If it didn't make me feel even hollower  
Than any empty suit of armor  
Because there's nothing pretty about this sight  
It makes me want to feel sick  
But how can I?  
How will I ever?  
How will this murdered heart ever feel again?  
Brother Brother Brother  
Why did you do this?  
Why didn't you tell me  
You would give yourself up for my sake?  
We could have worked something out  
Or at least have said our  
Tearful, heart-wrenching, never-ending  
Goodbyes  
That my life will live out to the end of my days  
Because, Brother, you're  
Gone gone gone  
Lost in your own sacrifice  
And I'm  
Shattered  
Without you, what would I ever be?  
You were great and strong  
You could live on your own  
Move on, maybe  
Survive  
But me?  
What am I?  
A frightened soul in a body I no longer know  
And I need you  
I need you, Brother  
I cannot live  
I cannot breathe  
Without you  
Because when you are with me  
I know that I  
Am real  


* * *

Shatter: verb (used without object) - to break into fragments  


* * *

  
**Author's Note: I wanted to do a companion poem to "Vindicate," from Al's perspective this time. I wasn't sure exactly what the subject matter would be or how I would go about doing it...that is, until I heard the beautiful song "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday. That is possibly the most beautiful song by a modern band I have ever heard, and the soft, almost grieving love it speaks of resonated with my soul.  
The lines "I think I think I think/ But does that make me be?" are referring to the famous quote, "I think, therefore I am." I don't agree with it, but I have a feeling Al would probably mull over something like that. Also, the lines "I cannot live/ I cannot breathe/ Without you" were inspired by the chorus of Skillet's powerful song "Comatose." I'm not as happy with this poem as I was with "Vindication," but as J.K. Rowling says, lightning doesn't hit the same place twice.**


End file.
